Five am is not an acceptable time for anything. Especially juice.

No, really. It's not. Ever. This is how my morning went.

5am: Georgia is whining to be let out. I LOVINGLY decided to let my husband sleep and get up with her. As I get to the back door, I hear "juuuuiiiiiccccceeee" coming from the kid's room. Shit. Maybe she'll fall back asleep. Outside with the dog where I say "outside" and "potty" way more than I should have to (just pee already). And back in. This feels like it takes forever but it's really only a minute or so.

5:02 am: Girl is still yelping for juice. Husband is still sleeping. How he does this, I have no idea. Even if he's just ignoring her because he knows I'm up (stellar parenting, I tell you), doesn't it annoy him? Go in nursery. "Juice?" Yes, dear. Juice. Grab the girl, change diaper, head back to kitchen.

At this point, I am up and my bladder has talked to my brain and whoa. It is full. But I'm in the kitchen with a kid going "juice, juice, juice" so my bladder will have to wait.

5:10 am: The juice is unopened so I am trying VERY hard to open the bottle but it is stuck and I twisted so hard that a little bit of pee came out and my bladder went "RELIEF" and I had to grab the girl and literally race to the back of the house with her screaming "JUUUUIIIIIICCCCCEEEEE!!!" at me and I start yelling at my husband. It went something like this:

"We're up and you need to be up because the dog had to pee and the kid wants juice and the damn cap is STUCK and I really have to pee so please go open the damn juice!"

And he was like, what the fuck is wrong with you?!

But I was peeing and my kid was bawling her eyes out at this point, standing on the bathroom floor, distraught over her lack of juice, so I didn't care what he was saying.

5:13 am: She has juice, my bladder is empty and for the first time I realize that my kid looks feverish and Jesus, where is that snot coming from.

5:20 am: "Elmo?" Sure, kid.

5:30 am: I am drooling on the couch with my kid as she bounces happily to Elmo. With her juice.

It's an ear infection.

How'd your day start off?