My dog and baby are trying to kill me.

No really. They are.

I wasn't going to talk about this until I was at least a week in but this shit is too good not to share immediately.

In an effort to fulfill my "feeling better" goal for 2012, I downloaded the Couch 2 5k app, strapped on my sneakers, busted out the jogging stroller, and put the harness on the dog.

My first mistake was putting the harness on the dog before I was 110% ready to go. When she sees that thing, hol-ee shit. She flips out. In a good way. It's like

"OHEMGEEWEAREGOINGFORAWALKI'MSOEXCITEDLETMERUNAROUNDTHISPOLE"

It's insane. So I had to unwrap her from the pole like 5 times before we even got to the jogging stroller. It took forever to get everyone situated. So I have my water, my kid has a hat on, she has Kitty Cat in tow (Kitty Cat comes everywhere with us), the app is ready to go...we are golden.

Exhibit A: Kitty Cat

The first five minutes are a "brisk walk" so I was doing pretty good. I'm pretty sure I looked something like this:

Except then my dog went all spastic on me and began jumping into the Christmas trees that my neighbors had placed at the road for the garbage trucks. Literally jumping into them. I could have killed her. I kept having to pause the app, get her untangled, wash, rinse, repeat.

But that is nothing compared to what an ass I made of myself. Somewhere around block two, she calmed the eff down and began jogging with me. All was good with the world. Then all hell broke loose.

I rounded the corner to see my neighbor standing in his driveway in pajama pants and no shirt. And he resembles my father-in-law. Vom. It. Oh and his huge yellow lab. Who is not on a leash.

So I'm jogging and this car pulls up beside me and this awesome guy is holding up Kitty Cat (that my child had hurled from the stroller at some point) and asking me if it's ours. And I'm like "OMG, thank God you picked it up! Thank you so much! You are my hero!" and I start walking to the car to grab the fucking cat.

Except I forget my headphones are in my ears. And my phone is sitting in the cup holder of the stroller.

Yeah. That happened.

So I grab the cat and turn around just in time to see the stroller fucking going down the street and into the driveway of the shirtless neighbor and the leashless dog. So I freak and lunge for the stroller.

The leashless dog chooses this exact moment to flip his shit and come barreling towards us. I couldn't even react, that's how quick it happened. Thankfully the dog meant no harm and just wanted to lick my little mutt which of course pissed her off and she started barking and I'm like, holy shit, I am NEVER running again.

So that was Day 1. I can't wait to see what Day 2 holds.